Desert Song

Julia and I listened to the Susan Boyle CD during our two-and-a-half-hour drive to the desert. We were surprised how bloody good it was. Then we put in Barbra Streisand’s new CD. We didn’t get to hear all of it as there are 35 tracks. Note to Barbra: you can have too much of a good thing. I mention our road trip listening pleasure on the way to the Palm Springs Film Festival to give some idea of the type of ear candy Julia and I prefer.

We were meeting our great pals, Lori and Joan, at Lori’s dad and stepmother’s fabulous pile in Palm Springs. Lori currently prefers The Black-eyed Peas and Lady Gaga wherever she goes ‒ really loudly and constantly, so all conversation was shouted and there was much asking each other to repeat what was just said. Five years have passed since the four of us used to hang and travel together on a regular basis (BM: Before Marley).

Later, in a restaurant, Lori was taking forever to decide on a bottle of wine. Joan opened her hands in wonderment at such protracted indecision. Julia saw Joan’s opened hands and wrongly assumed (more loud music in the restaurant) that Joan wanted to say Grace, so took mine and Lori’s hand until we were all linked, heads bowed waiting for someone to start the prayer and wondering why no one had mentioned that Joan had found the Lord since we were last together.

An amazing and beautiful 86-year-old lady hosted a cocktail party for The Making Of Plus One…before its world premiere at the film festival (Cannes didn’t count as a premiere; that, apparently, was just a screening).

I spoke to the venerable woman’s sixty-something daughter who told me she had seen a couple of good films at the festival as well as some terrible ones, including one foreign entry where she walked out, because it was “nothing but fornication and human defecation.” Holy fucking shit.

Director Mary McGuckian told us the exciting news that she had secured distribution for the film. It involves a new distribution model where the movie is released in a different state every month. More on this as details come in. I guess it’s to avoid paying out $25,000 for each print of the film for every theatre.

My group agreed to meet Mary, Jennifer Tilly and Michael Eckland at the red carpet outside the Regal Cinema where our film was being screened, but we couldn’t find the red carpet, what with there not being one. More wishful thinking on our part.

The screening went well, a packed cinema filled with people who paid for their seats, laughed in the right places and applauded at the end. I won’t lie to you, the film’s not Avatar, but a pleasing romp through the trials and tribulations of getting a movie made. As I said during the Q & A, it’s a miracle that any film ever gets made at all, let alone released, and this has been the most amazing adventure for me.

The next morning, Julia and I went for a walk and wandered onto a beautiful golf course. We kept to the path and marveled at the glorious scenery. However, we soon learned from the course marshal who came chasing after us that the path was not for walking, but for carts, and we were lucky not to have been killed by a golf ball. Ironically, we were on the cell phone telling our dad (who is president of Hayling Golf Club) about our weekend’s adventure just as we were escorted off the course.

Habit forming

Just had a long phone chat with Mary McGuckian, the writer/producer/director of The Making Of Plus One…

Here’s the latest scoop. It will be properly premiered at the American Film Market early November, located very conveniently just up the road from me in Santa Monica, followed by a BAFTA/LA screening later in the month. Then WIFTS (Women in Film and Television Society) will honor Mary and her brilliant film-making skills and screen the movie in Los Angeles at the end of November.

Mary has just returned to France, after spending two weeks in the Italian monastery where St. Benedict once lived, writing a sequel to The Making Of… (I just re-read this line and want to make it clear that it is Mary, not St. Benedict, who has written the sequel). It wasn’t so long ago, while she was going through the hell of financing, filming, editing, refinancing and trying to sell The Making Of… while coping with the ensuing mental and physical debilitation, that Mary told she would never make another film. Now she wants to go through the whole process again. That woman has metaphorical balls of steel.

Before finalizing distribution for The Making Of Plus One Starring Cate, Kate and George, The Story Of A Hollywood Nobody and reimbursing those financiers, Mary is now working on another ‘mockumentary’ featuring the same stellar cast (including, ahem, Julia and me). This time it’s about trying to get a distribution deal for Plus One... The opening scene will be a bunch of industry types yawning at the end credits of the three-and-a-half-hour director’s cut of a (pretend) movie based on my book. It will be shot entirely in Los Angeles.

I am not going to even try explaining this to my parents.

It's in the stars

I am back from Cannes and the most amazing time. The first night was a spectacular party on the company yacht of one of the film’s producers. Our party was by far the most happening of all along the jetty. Really.

The Making Of Plus One Starring Kate, Cate and George, The Story Of A Hollywood Nobody was indeed screened, but not without some drama. It was a packed cinema full of invited guests. I was introduced as the author of the original book, some of the cast was there who also took a bow then the lights dimmed. Surely, the most exciting and nerve-wracking moment in any film maker's life.

Five minutes in and the picture disappeared from the screen. The new digital projector had crashed. It started again after the longest three minutes of my life. Then it crashed again. This time the audience was getting restless. You could feel it in the room that the famously impatient Cannes moviegoers were about to leave. The director and producer had raced upstairs to the projection room, the associate producer (a man) was crying. I knew something had to be done to stop people leaving so I stood up, pulled out the copy of my stars from the day before's Daily Mail (May 16th) that I had torn out from the paper on the flight over and read the following: (I am not making this up!). I'm Pisces by the way:

“Lights, camera action… roll ’em! Here comes another dramatic scene in the action-packed adventure movie of your life. Another roller coaster ride to take you high up to the breathtaking mountain of glorious expectation and then send you hurtling towards the deep, dark valley of disappointment. Another heart-pounding, jaw-clenching nerve-wracking experience. How worried should you be? About as worried as you get when you go to watch a film projected on the silver screen. Or when you climb aboard a ride at the fair. Things are more under control than you imagine. A cosmic hand is guiding you now, towards a truly pleasing future.”

It brought the house down. Nobody left. The director and the producer feared everyone would have gone when they came back into the theatre, but people were laughing and chatting. Astrologer Jonathan Cainer and I had saved the day. The movie started up, everyone stayed and seemed to enjoy it. You can't fake these things. There were no distributors in the audience who might have bought it - little business has been done at this year's festival, but there's been massive buzz and the producers are now taking it to Los Angeles to screen here.

For me, the most enduring lesson in all of this is that the process to fund and complete a feature film is phenomenally tough. Any movie that makes its way into production should be commended for its very existence, whether it receives critical acclaim or not.

Dad says his 80th birthday was his best ever. Julia’s UK gigs were triumphant sell outs. Both venues said they could have sold out three shows. I’m glad Julia was in Japan and missed Cannes as I think she might have broken down and wept when she heard the song she wrote especially for the film over the end credits. Her beautiful ballad had been massacred into the most heinous thumping disco beat. Not sure whose idea that was but it was a crap one.

All in all a brilliant trip, another reminder that a life lived well is one filled with love and fun times with family and friends. My Cannes experience wouldn’t have been half as much fun if my pals Diane Aldred, Sheran James and Levi Freeman (pictured above) weren’t there to share it with me.

Yes, we Cannes!

I am writing this on my new laptop, a Toshiba, that my Man Child bought me for my birthday. I think I might have had more children if I’d realized they could one day provide so generously for me.

It has been a rollercoaster few weeks. Colin and I house- and dog-sat for some friends whose fabulous place is right under the Hollywood sign off Beachwood. Our charge, Delilah, had a bladder infection that involved the need for a doggy diaper. I was sorely tempted to take a photo and show you how funny she looked, but decided against it in case Delilah’s owners sued me or, worse, didn’t ask us to stay there again for ridiculing their beloved bulldog/pit bull. Yes, that’s right, half pit bull – the great white of the canine family.

Many dog lovers think the pit bull has a bad press (certainly Delilah is a sweetheart who never barks), but not a friend who turned up for dinner with her toddler, took one look at Delilah and called a babysitter to come and get the kid.

The next weekend, Colin was invited to the launch of the new Audi Q5. He looked at me over the top of his own laptop (a Mac) and wondered if I might like to go as his plus one. I politely declined until I learned the launch was an all-expenses-paid weekend at The Biltmore in Santa Barbara. I have dreamed of staying there.

It was everything I hoped and more. Margaritas (fancy ones with Cointreau) by the pool, amazing food, endless champagne, a cruise, tennis on the astroturf court, croquet, a suite, matching bathrobes, a mountain bike ride along the coast and staff – lots of staff. This is where I belong, I thought.

Having tasted and enjoyed living in the lap of luxury, you can understand how excited I am that ‘The Making Of Plus One…’ is being launched at the Cannes Film Festival on May 17. It was screened for the selection committee yesterday but canny director Mary McGuckian has hired a cinema to launch it there with a big fanfare whether it gets into the competition or not. With some 3,000 films competing for 16 slots, the chances are slim.

And I got paid the movie money I’ve been waiting for and assured was coming for almost a year. There was much rejoicing in our small but perfectly formed apartment when the money was wired into our account. This was an important moment both psychologically and practically.

I have booked my flights and will be staying in a lovely little hotel my friend Sheran found (and has sworn me to secrecy as to its location). She and another great friend, Diane, are also flying to Cannes to share this amazing trip with me. Julia will miss it because she has gigs in Japan, but she wrote a song for the movie and she’s in it for about five minutes.

Here’s a link to a trailer for the film. The distributor, New Films International, has retained the services of a top PR firm, DDA, to promote it. ‘The Making Of Plus One…’ sets things up nicely for the movie actually based on the book. I shall be armed with copies of the book and my adapted script, and will be in Cannes networking shamelessly to sell said wares.

Whatever happens, this has been a wonderful adventure and Mary McGuckian has pulled off a series of miracles to get our little movie funded, finished and set for its big launch.

Why can’t they clone Clooney?

For the first time in seven years, my hairdresser didn’t ask me to remind him which side I part my hair. Then I went The Omelet Parlor for lunch where I’ve been ordering two poached eggs on a toasted English muffin for almost ten years and was finally greeted as a favorite and regular customer.

I was so excited at the possibility that I might actually matter that I stepped outside my comfort zone and ordered the chicken tacos. And very nice they were too.

The next day it was off to the ER set on the Warner Brothers lot in Burbank where Eriq La Salle and Noah Wyle (Doctors Benton and Carter) were filming their scenes in this the final series of my all-time favorite TV drama.

John Wells, the Executive Producer of the show wrote and directed this episode. I was sat right behind him with his wife - my great friend, Marilyn. I had my own director’s chair and set of headphones.

For one glorious moment I thought I was going the week before, when Gorgeous George was filming his guest appearance on the show that made him famous, but it was a closed set for the obvious reason that women like me might try and touch him. The fact remains: I am one degree of separation from George Clooney and not a lot of people can say that.

The final edit of The Making Of Plus One is in post production in Toronto. The plan is to get our little movie into the Cannes Film Festival in May. Even if it isn’t accepted into the festival (as if!), Mary McGuckian has booked a theatre in Cannes so it WILL be premiered there. Incidentally, the full title of the movie about trying to get my book made into a film is The Making Of Plus One Starring Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett and George Clooney.

The Making Of Plus One… sets things up nicely for a film actually based on my book. Wouldn’t it be amazing if art imitates life and Kate, Cate and George star in it? My hope is that there’s a big enough buzz about The Making Of Plus One… that a big studio will come knocking and want to option my book then commission a script based on it. I’ll whip out my screenplay and say: “Here’s one I prepared earlier!” and laugh all the way to the bank.

The Cannes Film Festival is very conveniently around the same time as our Dad’s 80^th birthday so Julia, Marley and I have already booked our flights to London. Julia may not make it to Cannes as she’s been invited to sing at The Blue Note in Japan for real money. Julia asked me to go with her to Japan from England to help with Marley while she sings two shows a night for five nights. Sorry, Sis, I’m going to Cannes! My daughter is first reserve to go to Japan instead of me.

Just when you think life can’t get any better, I returned home from the ER set to learn the joyous news that some outstanding invoices that Colin and I had abandoned all hope would be paid, have been paid.

Happy New Year!

I tried to shake it up a bit this/last Christmas Day and spend the day with friends but Julia was quite devastated that Colin and I could even consider not spending the day with her, Marley Rose, Arthur and his parents - Russian Armenians who are quite the nicest couple in the world but insist on calling me Clara and Colin Kevin.

We did have a lovely day. I cooked, with Julia as my lovely young assistant. Then it was our traditional Brits Boxing Day bash for 30 ex pats who like a bit of cold meat and a baked potato.

I was very happy to see the last of the holiday ham on Friday. I think I did well to keep it interesting for five nights in a row. 

Mia had flown back to freezing cold, wet London to spend Christmas Day with friends. She bitterly regretted her decision and has been wearing three pairs of socks since her return. Max is still thriving in Fiji. No socks required there.

It was great to have Mia in LA for three weeks in December, not least because she paid for her own ticket this time. She was sunbathing here. In December. Sorry to rub it in.

The year has started off brilliantly for me. Some friends have offered us their fabulous house in Santa Monica while they enjoy a last-minute skiing trip to Utah. I so need some creative space to myself. It's hard for me to write now that Colin works from home as well. 

I spoke to my literary agent this morning and he really likes my new book proposal. He said he knows a couple of editors he thinks will find it wonderful. I’m calling it “The One.” It's a sort of sequel to Plus One about Colin and I getting back together after 25 years. We both kept our love letters from that time and they will be interspersed throughout the book. It hasn’t been an easy journey so there’s plenty of drama and conflict to keep the publisher happy and lots of funny stuff too.

I’ve seen the first assembly (or rough edit) of The Making Of Plus One... movie and it’s terrific. Really. Very funny and a wonderful insight as to how hard it is to get a movie made. The plan is for the film to be premiered at the next Cannes Film Festival in May. And it’s Dad’s 80th birthday at the end of April, so everything is falling into place for a trip to Europe. Julia is planning some gigs in England too. Well, her manager is.

Here’s to a happy, healthy and wealthy 2009. 

Claire and Julia's excellent adventure

After weeks of searching, Julia and I finally found something I could wear for The Making Of Plus One shoot in the south of France. Colin thought it looked like an overall, but I prefer to think of it as a classic shirt dress in the style of Yves Saint Laurent - something Catherine Deneuve might wear to lunch. Dark blue, as it’s slimming, and long sleeves to cover my arms that have lost their youthful tone.

Director Mary McGuckian likes her actors to improvise their scenes rather than work from a script, so there was plenty of opportunity to interject and get my face on camera. A particularly hilarious scene had Julia teaching the brilliant Jennifer Tilly one of her songs, which Jennifer proceeded to murder. Another great scene was when Geraldine Chaplin, who plays the casting director and voice coach, gave Jennifer’s character elocution lessons. From left to right: me, Sarah Stockbridge who plays the scriptwriter, Mary McGuckian, Suzan Lori Parks who plays the director, Julia and Jennifer Tilly.

From where I was sitting, it felt like we have a very funny little film on our hands. Now it’s all down to the editing. The plan is to get it premiered in Cannes 2009 (May). Fingers and toes are crossed.

Everyone on the shoot was an absolute star. We adored our make-up artists, Suzanne and Trish. Mary should make a movie about Trish, who lives a most exciting life that includes four lovers. “A lot of men like older, larger ladies,” she says. Here's Trish with Antonin.

When Antonin, the set runner, popped his head in the Hair and Make-up room and asked if the Fordham sisters could be on set in twenty minutes, Trish replied: “These are hands, not wands.” That has become our favorite phrase; Julia and I try to say it at least five times a day. Following this amazing shoot, Julia and I flew back to London, picked up my daughter, Mia, then drove to Hayling Island for a few days with Mum and Dad. Here we are after a wonderful meal at Hayling Golf Club, one of the few genuine links courses on the south coast of England. Dad's president of the club, founded in 1883.

I dropped Julia at the airport at dawn’s crack and had an extra week in London sorting out my visa at the US embassy and spending time with Mia. There weren’t enough hours in the days to see all the friends I’d have liked.

Highlight of the week in London was going to see The Allan Carr Show being recorded. Mia works on the show as a runner. I was so proud of her. She wore a headset and looked very important indeed. I’m going to get her a clipboard for Christmas. There is no greater joy than seeing your children happy, healthy and living their dream. Mia assured me I didn’t embarrass her when I asked a man in the Green Room after the show what he did and he said he was the executive producer, but she’d have much preferred it if I hadn’t brought my Primark carrier bag backstage (bargain pyjamas for Marley Rose). Mia was working in the production office on Monday and Allan Carr asked her if I got back to LA safely. Isn’t that nice?

I took Gareth, the onset wardrobe supervisor from The Making Of Plus One, with me as my Plus One to The Alan Carr Show recording. Then Gareth took me as his guest to the new Soho House club in Shoreditch where we watched the US Presidential election unfold. A perfect day. Here's Gareth with the costume designer, Sally.

It’s been two and a half years since I was in London. I had forgotten how bloody cold, wet and grey it is. LA certainly feels like the best place to live. France was cold and wet too. And everyone smokes! Have they not heard that smoking stinks and it kills you?

Another highlight was going with top mate Sue Turton to The Fairy Tale Ball at Home House. The costumes were amazing. Sue and I traipsed around London looking for something suitable for me to wear. I decided to go as a fairy godmother and found all the accessories I needed at the Disney store. A terrific night of champagne, dancing and excellent nibbles to celebrate the club’s 10^th anniversary. You too could be a member for just 1500 quid a year. My camera ran out of battery so I didn’t get any good photos of the event. I’ll get one from Sue later.

It was an incredible trip, but I’m glad to be back in LA. Mum was sad when I told her, but LA feels like home, especially now Barack Obama has been elected president.

I can’t wait to see Julia again as I have a most excellent visual gag. I shall rummage in my Disney carrier bag, pull out two purchases and say: “These are wands, not hands.”

Custom built

There was no sign of the recession at Galpin Auto Sports in Van Nuys, California when some 2,000 guests partied the night away at a star-studded bash that cost a whopping $3 million, according to a man sat at our table. Most of the event was sponsored and several local charities benefited.

Galpin – the most successful Ford dealership in the world - was launching its vehicle customization facility. Husband Colin was there covering the event for an auto website. I was there as his plus one.

Fuelled by Absolut vodka, with food by Wolfgang Puck, I danced (I use the word loosely) to Xzibit and the excellent Camp Freddy, with Dave Navarro on guitar, acting as house band for special guests Macy Gray, Mark McGrath, Steve Jones, Slash, Cypress Hill and the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne.

Sporting a new facelift, Ozzy sent the crowd wild. He wasn’t the best singer of the night by a long shot. That was Mark McGrath. No spring chicken himself, but looking and sounding great, Mark acknowledged Botox for helping to keep him in the game. In his case, it’s not Botox, but talent.

My feeling is that a nip and tuck is preferable over Botox. There’s something just plain wrong about putting that poison in your face. Trouble is, once some people start on Botox’s slippery slope, they can end up with the frozen features of Michelle Tuzee, who reads the news for ABC, Desperate Housewife Marcia Cross and NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.

Of course, a face can be lifted too many times, see Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers, but I’m saving up for a one-off mini face lift where the jowls are lifted just a fraction (Moira knows someone who had it done for $4,000 in her lunch hour and looks great) and liposuction.

When one is on camera, one has a responsibility to look one’s best. Yes, dear reader, the plane tickets have arrived. It’s really happening. Julia and I are off to France next weekend to play ourselves in “The Making of Plus One,” a Pembridge Pictures film in association with Invited Guest Productions and Scion Films.

Julia has just returned from a triumphant mini-tour of the East Coast where she received a standing ovation halfway through the set after she sang one of her classics, Towerblock. The last in this run of gigs is Wednesday (October 22) in LA at the Catalina Jazz Club. The next day, she’ll be recording a sketch for Tracey Ullman’s “State of the Union” which will leave her 24 hours to wash her undies before we fly to France for the movie, then England to see Mum, Dad and my daughter.

I’ll be away for three weeks and won’t be taking my laptop with me, but when I get back I’ll fill you in on all the juicy details. A big “thank you” to Allison from Glagow for sending me these two clips of Julia and me when we were guests on Tracey Ullman’s “Visible Panty Line” in 2002.