Why can’t they clone Clooney?

For the first time in seven years, my hairdresser didn’t ask me to remind him which side I part my hair. Then I went The Omelet Parlor for lunch where I’ve been ordering two poached eggs on a toasted English muffin for almost ten years and was finally greeted as a favorite and regular customer.

I was so excited at the possibility that I might actually matter that I stepped outside my comfort zone and ordered the chicken tacos. And very nice they were too.

The next day it was off to the ER set on the Warner Brothers lot in Burbank where Eriq La Salle and Noah Wyle (Doctors Benton and Carter) were filming their scenes in this the final series of my all-time favorite TV drama.

John Wells, the Executive Producer of the show wrote and directed this episode. I was sat right behind him with his wife - my great friend, Marilyn. I had my own director’s chair and set of headphones.

For one glorious moment I thought I was going the week before, when Gorgeous George was filming his guest appearance on the show that made him famous, but it was a closed set for the obvious reason that women like me might try and touch him. The fact remains: I am one degree of separation from George Clooney and not a lot of people can say that.

The final edit of The Making Of Plus One is in post production in Toronto. The plan is to get our little movie into the Cannes Film Festival in May. Even if it isn’t accepted into the festival (as if!), Mary McGuckian has booked a theatre in Cannes so it WILL be premiered there. Incidentally, the full title of the movie about trying to get my book made into a film is The Making Of Plus One Starring Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett and George Clooney.

The Making Of Plus One… sets things up nicely for a film actually based on my book. Wouldn’t it be amazing if art imitates life and Kate, Cate and George star in it? My hope is that there’s a big enough buzz about The Making Of Plus One… that a big studio will come knocking and want to option my book then commission a script based on it. I’ll whip out my screenplay and say: “Here’s one I prepared earlier!” and laugh all the way to the bank.

The Cannes Film Festival is very conveniently around the same time as our Dad’s 80^th birthday so Julia, Marley and I have already booked our flights to London. Julia may not make it to Cannes as she’s been invited to sing at The Blue Note in Japan for real money. Julia asked me to go with her to Japan from England to help with Marley while she sings two shows a night for five nights. Sorry, Sis, I’m going to Cannes! My daughter is first reserve to go to Japan instead of me.

Just when you think life can’t get any better, I returned home from the ER set to learn the joyous news that some outstanding invoices that Colin and I had abandoned all hope would be paid, have been paid.

Screen gems

My gal-pal Kara Noble and I took the incredible Catherine Tate to see “Burn After Reading” last week, which we all thoroughly enjoyed. The latest movie from the Coen brothers was so much better than the trailer suggested - great writing, terrific acting and a welcome chance to see gorgeous George on the big screen. His beard failed to move my meter, but his acting and comic timing didn’t disappoint.

Then it was back to Catherine’s hotel for a cocktail. She was here for some “meetings.” I wonder if the septic tanks (Cockney rhyming slang for yanks) will get her humor. I hope so. For those unfamiliar with her work, here’s a link to a YouTube clip featuring one of her most popular characters, Lauren.

Sometimes our humor doesn’t translate. American critics aren’t loving “Little Britain USA.” Brian Lowry said in Variety: “The American version of ‘Little Britain’ shares several traits with Showtime’s Tracey Ullman sketch comedy ‘State of the Union,’ yet virtually every comparison proves unflattering to the new HBO series. Whereas Ullman’s comedy is clever, ‘Little Britain USA’ is mostly just crude, reveling in mock condescension toward American stereotypes. Ullman plays multiple gender-swapping characters, but with more panache than the chameleon-like David Walliams and Matt Lucas. And Ullman's hit-miss ratio is simply higher, making the slog through ‘Britain’s’ gooey swamp to find laughs feel more arduous.” That’s my girl.

I’ve been catching up on my season premieres. I’m sticking with “Mad Men” because everyone else I know thinks it’s brilliant (in my book, it’s just pretty good). I’m so glad to have my weekly fix of “Entourage” back. Love it. And “House” rarely disappoints. But surely the best drama is “ER.” If there is any justice (which there usually isn’t) come awards season, “ER” should pick up the Emmy and Golden Globe for Best Drama. Not for sentimental reasons - because this is its last season - but because it is so deserving. I defy anyone not to be moved by Dr. Pratt’s heartbreaking death. Superb acting from Mekhi Phifer.

I refuse to give up on my quest to find a quirky, camera-friendly, dog breeder for my TV show idea. The first one I found did not pass the audition. My co-producer didn’t even bother getting the camera out of his bag.

Being Somebody

The trouble with having an authentic relationship with your sister is that when you ask her to read your work and say what she really thinks, she will. Julia read my script based on my memoir, Plus One: A Year In The Life Of A Hollywood Nobody, and told me that, while she thinks it’s very funny, it needs a couple more scenes to give it humanity and depth. But it really is very good and I’m almost there but I do need to go back in again because very good isn’t great and it needs to be great, she says.


Which is why I was still under the duvet in the fetal position and sucking my thumb when the picture desk from The Mail On Sunday’s You magazine called from London to set up a photo shoot with the brilliant Mimi Haddon for a picture of me to accompany the article I’ve done for them about the myth of the empty nest.




I’ve also found some dogs and owners for my reality TV show pilot. Even though the producer is too busy to return my emails and phone calls to set up a shoot, I have done what was asked of me.

Mary McG’s producer has emailed confirmation that Julia and I will be needed in the south of bloody France on October 27th where we will be playing ourselves in a proper movie with a proper budget and that our business class tickets will be sorted any day. Julia says she won’t believe it until we’re sitting on the plane.

People of a nervous disposition might also be concerned that director Mary McG could be run over by a bus before the shoot, but I take comfort that because this is a proper movie, the insurers insist that another director be signed up to take over in case of accident or death of Mary McG. In this instance, Jim Sheridan (My Left Foot/In The Name Of The Father/In America) is first reserve.

I’ve been wondering for some time if, because I describe myself as a Hollywood Nobody, it has become a self fulfilling prophecy. To this end, and because this has actually been a very good week for me in Hollywierd: I’m gonna be in a movie film, inspired by my blinkin’ book, and my friend Marilyn asked me if I wanted to go with her to the ER set (my favorite TV show of all time; where I first gazed upon the gorgeousness of George Clooney), I shall henceforth be known as a Hollywood Somebody.

Must dash as I have a script that only needs two more scenes to make it great.