The luck of the Irish (or Kiss Me Kate)

Trying to be a success in Tinseltown has been described as swimming with sharks. I think it’s more like swimming with sharks in a sea of bullshit.

But yesterday I felt like a winner. The gods were with me, all my ducks were in a row, Mercury was not in retrograde… you get the picture.

The day started with a letter from the brilliant Augusten Burroughs, the number-one New York Times bestselling author of ‘Running With Scissors’, ‘Dry’ and ‘Magical Thinking.’ I had asked Augusten and anyone else I know who is at the top of their game to write me a letter of reference in support of my Green Card application.

Colin thought someone had died and came running (not with scissors) into the living room when he heard my sobs. I was crying, not from grief, but deep, deep gratitude that someone as busy and successful as Augusten would take the time to write a long letter that ended: “It is precisely Claire’s rare combination of remarkable talent coupled with her shirt-sleeves-rolled-up willingness to work as hard as she can for as long as it takes – a truly American quality – which enables me to strongly recommend – without any hesitation – the swift approval of her visa application. Claire is a tremendous asset to our literary and entertainment economies. We must not – and cannot afford – to let her go.”

Then I beat Tracey at tennis. Yes, she had a shoulder injury and a bad ankle, but I won.

There’s more. Mary McGuckian (the Irish director of The Making Of Plus One) copied me on an email she had sent to Hylda Queally at CAA who represents Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet and who, last night, was honored by the US-Ireland Alliance. Mary told Hylda I would be there and to look out for me. Kate, who’s been repped by Hylda since she was 16, presented Hylda with the prestigious award, which is how I was in the same room as Kate Winslet.

I was there as the plus one of the gorgeous Sonya Macari, an Irish actress who played one of Anne Boleyn’s ladies-in-waiting on ‘The Tudors.’ The presentation was supposed to be at 7.30pm, but the hundreds of us who were sitting patiently waiting for a glimpse of Kate had to wait until 8.15 before the last VIP, one Tracey Ullman, was seated. Neither of us knew the other was going to be there. Tracey stopped to chat with me on the way to the front of the room. Which is why I think so many people subsequently gave me their business cards because they assumed I must be important.

I didn’t go up to Hylda or Kate and introduce myself as they were always surrounded by hoards of people. I can tell you that Kate looked absolutely stunning and positively skinny – as did Hylda. I read in ‘People’ magazine (so it must be true) that Kate doesn’t watch what she eats or exercise at all. If she hasn’t been exercising, she must have had lipo. She is perfection and so hot right now, and can play me in the movie based on my book, ‘Plus One: A Year In The Life Of A Hollywood Nobody’ if she wants.

I have a good ‘in’ with Kate – both our daughters are called Mia (it's a sign!) and I have her agent's email address. Then I spotted Harvey Weinstein, but he didn’t stay long enough for me to ask him if he had any problem with me calling my film production company MiaMax (after my two children).

It really was a fabulous evening. Just as I was leaving my chum, Patricia Danaher, who writes for ‘The Irish Times’ among many other prestigious newspapers shouted out that she’d get my letter of reference to me on Monday. She’s a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press and a Harvard scholar. I reckon with Augusten’s letter, Patricia’s letter, the others I have and one from Tracey who’s won eight Emmys and countless other awards, I could be elected Pope, let alone get a Green Card.

Cinema Purgatorio

It’s said there’s no such thing as coincidence. I’m not sure what the cosmos is trying to tell me about the Goss brothers, but Julia and I bumped into Luke at the Chateau Marmont last weekend. He was there having meetings with film makers who see him as a hot property after his success in “Hellboy II.” He told us he has five films in the pipeline. And he’s still happily married to singer Shirley Lewis after 22 years. We love stories like that, don’t we, ladies?

In Hollyweird, the more meetings you have, the more successful you are. It felt good to be having a meeting of our own with Mary McGuckian. She told us our movie looked a tad vulnerable last week, because of that pesky global financial crisis. The head of media at her main bank even said that the staff wasn’t able to make international calls for a while. I won’t mention the name of the bank, for fear of causing a run on it and losing our funding.

She said we won’t be getting our plane tickets to France until the week before we fly out, so I should stop worrying that it won’t happen. That’s easy for her to say. In the next breath, she informed me that I’ve been dropped from a scene due to time constraints, so shan’t be needed for the first two days of the shoot after all.

On a positive note, she did say that people who’ve seen the edited footage think it’s terrific and the movie will be a hit (she would say that, wouldn’t she?), and then we can make the movie based on Plus One, then a sequel and call it “Plus Two.” Actually, I said, the sequel’s called “Plus One More.” Or maybe “Claire Fordham and the Goblet of Fire.”

It would be grand if “The Making of Plus One” is a hit, because the option for Plus One has reverted to me. The conflict in “The Making of…” centers on whether it’s going to be a small, independent movie or a big studio picture starring Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet. How ironic and brilliant it would be (for me and my descendants) if “The Making of…” is a smash and, when the film based on my book is made, that there’s a similar conflict. Kind of art imitating art.

Julia and I had a little disagreement as to which Cate/Kate would play her and me. Mary made a note to use that conflict in this film. I had to concede that Cate Blanchett would have to eat a lot more cake if she wants to play me.

Driving home, I was fantasizing about the film version of my book. Luke Goss could play Julia’s boyfriend. And instead of being a sound engineer (as he is in the book), we’ll make him a drummer in her band, so we can get in some drummer jokes. By the time it gets made, Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin will be playing Julia and me with Cate Blanchett as our mother.