A week in the life.....

Hallelujah! The Man Child passed his California driving test, cousin Tim (Dad’s sister Auntie Joyce’s son) managed to get Dad and brother Mark tickets to see Portsmouth play in the FA Cup Final and this photo of Marley accompanied the invitation to her Belly Dancing Third Birthday Party on May 29th. Julia said I can publish it as you can’t really see her face, but her general cuteness is there for all to see.

It was Dad’s 79th birthday on the 27th April and we held a small but perfectly formed tea party for him at Julia’s house in Topanga. We watched Brothers & Sisters as Julia had a song featured. The air conditioning wasn’t working and we couldn’t find the remote to turn the fan on so it was like being in a sauna.

The heat wasn’t as unbearable as having to explain to the guests who weren’t familiar with the show who each character was and where they fitted in to the plot. Julia’s song was barely audible in the background but at least she got paid handsomely for it. Twice as much money, in fact, as I’m getting for the use of title rights for Plus One.

Director Mary McGuckian called from France to say she’s on the last push to start filming the ‘Making Of Plus One’ movie. She is “reasonably confident” the money will be in the bank to enable her to start filming on the first day of the Cannes film festival.

For logistical reasons, Mary’s decided to split the filming in two, and Julia and I won’t be needed to play ourselves until the second round in the South of France, in July now. Mary says we should be thankful we won’t be in Cannes for the zoo that is the film festival.

Yesterday, I leased a new car, a Camry. I LOVE it, but not as much as I love America for awarding me such an excellent credit rating. Colin drove it to work today and we loaned the Man Child the PT Cruiser as a reward for passing his test. So I cycled to a friend’s house to fax my signed copy of the agreement with Mary. I realize there’s something wrong with that picture.

Mum and Dad’s trip is going well. They’re staying in an apartment identical to ours, just along the corridor. Julia and Marley come down to us most days and we swim in the pool. But they’re spending today in Topanga, watching Marley dance around the maypole at her pre-school. A day off for me!

Last night, Marley and I were dancing around the living room together. Mum was howling with laughter and said I reminded her of Dawn French in the classic Darcy Bussell sketch. I catered a party last week to help keep the wolf from the door until my movie money comes through. Mum said I should look on the bright side as all that running about will help me lose some weight.

After 53 years of marriage, Dad told Mum that he doesn’t like cold lamb. Not as annoying as Mum walking in front of the TV just as Ronaldo missed a penalty for Manchester United against Barcelona. Frankly, I have been nothing short of saintly since Mum and Dad arrived. My days and evenings have been spent shopping, cooking, teaching Max to drive, ferrying him to and fro, and listening to Mum tell me over and over again how she doesn’t like American bread and how she couldn’t live here.

It’s no wonder I parked the car in the wrong parking bay. At least I didn’t get towed this time, just a snotty note. While I viewed the not getting towed as a result, Colin wondered if I might have “a mental problem” because I’ve parked in the wrong bay twice now. I cannot convey how much that pissed me off.

I was up at dawn’s crack to get the coffee on and the apartment tidy for Mum and Dad’s 8.30 a.m. arrival when I noticed a spider crawling across my shoulder. I shook and shook my hair to get it out, and screamed in panic, but I could still see it out of the corner of my eye. I threw off my dressing gown and ran naked back into the bedroom so Colin could save me from the giant creepy crawly. I jumped up and down on the bed screaming at Colin to wake up and help me for fuck’s sake.

I stopped screaming when I realized it wasn’t a spider, but part of my ear plug that had fallen out in the night and got stuck in my hair. Colin said: “At least you’ve still got your dignity” and went back to sleep.