Stoned Love

The day started off so well. I had beaten Tracey at tennis for only the third time in eight years. I was driving home with a smug grin on my face when the call came through that Colin was writhing on the floor in agony.

A trip to the ER revealed that he was not, as we at first thought, having a baby but trying to pass a kidney stone. As we don’t have medical insurance, I am sure you will understand that my main concern was not Colin’s health, but the desperate hope that this trip to an American hospital did not bankrupt us.

I was all too painfully aware that one uninsured friend ran up a bill for tens of thousands of dollars following a two-day stay in hospital with kidney stones. Another acquaintance is fighting a $46,000 bill for his stepson’s 24-hour hospital stint following a burst appendix.

The doctor in Marina Del Rey’s ER recommended a CT scan to confirm his kidney stone diagnosis. ‘Is it absolutely necessary?’ I wondered, trying hard not to sound like a callous bitch. Apparently not, so we passed on that. But there was still the IV pumping much-needed painkillers and anti-nausea meds into my beloved. They don’t come cheap. I recall a hospital accountant insisting Julia write her a check for $1000 before they would give Marley IV fluids when she was desperately sick, and she’s insured up the wazoo.

I told Colin that I wouldn’t pay the bill when they handed it to us, but would fight it every step of the way over the next few days. You can’t escape the hospital without passing the “discharge” lady. I had broken out into a cold sweat. Couldn’t Colin hobble faster?

As the stone-faced discharge lady handed me the bill, I mused how I could always sell a kidney to pay for it. Deep joy. A very reasonable $350 ($200 for the doctor, $150 for the hospital and drugs).

This morning, Colin successfully and painlessly passed the kidney stone. We have named it Tarquin. Father and son are both doing well.

Here’s a festive photo of my second-born decorating Julia’s Christmas tree. She’s living her dream and working in television comedy. My first-born is living and working in paradise, in Fiji. He’s doing marketing for a leisure company, www.tuitai.com.

To know your children are happy and healthy is the greatest gift. I wonder what Tarquin will be when he grows up?