Clean round the bend

Desperate times call for desperate measures and there’s something very grounding about cleaning someone else’s toilet. Hold that thought.

A dear friend who has an apartment just up the road in Santa Monica asked me to arrange for Consuela to clean his place after he left for Europe. He’d left $70 on the dining room table.

As Consuela was already booked up, I donned my rubber gloves and got stuck in. The 70 bucks would come in handy. I did a grand job, though I say it myself, including the skirting boards which, for some reason, Consuela insists on ignoring, despite repeated requests and a demonstration.

I called my friend and told him I’d cleaned the apartment and used my initiative and chucked out the old framed album cover with broken glass I’d noticed lying around. He nearly had a coronary. And so did I when he told me it was a signed LP by Marvin Gaye and worth a fortune - which is why I was found rummaging around in the garbage skip by security. My self esteem is at rock bottom, but at least I retrieved the album cover and spent my $70 having it re-framed, even though I didn’t break it in the first place.

I went home and lay on the sofa for an hour to recover from the physical labor and stress.

The sweeping, vacuuming and polishing had taken its toll on my poor back and I’m afraid I was unable to get up from the couch without help. There’s something strangely fascinating about living as a “nobody” in Los Angeles among those who have “arrived.” My day went from mopping floors to pissing with the big boys in a flash.

I somehow found the energy and the inclination to put the finishing touches to my screenplay which, thanks to some superb notes from my friend, Sheran James, is in bloody good shape. I don’t want to give too much away, in case some fucktard (my new favorite word – thanks Mary) steals my idea, but it ends with the heroine getting her own TV show. I came up with a good premise for the show and when I’d written it into the script, I thought: hang on a minute, that’s a great idea for a real TV show. So I told the TV Producer (from Plus One). He has a proper production company and is repped by William Morris. He called it “brilliant.” His big-time agent agrees.

He said I can be an executive producer, have a production job on the show, and he’ll split the profits and producer fees. He’ll start pitching it to the networks in two weeks, when he gets back from Sweden. I shall endeavor to be patient.